Monday, January 7, 2013
1:25 AM // please try to give in to me..
hello, i didn't really blog after i wake up on my off day.. so i decided to post something about my relationship. i don't know if anyone will read about this, cause this is very sensitive to me for some reason, and reasons are, when you read it, you're not suppose to tell my boyfriend about this post(if you don't know my boyfriend, i'm glad.. haha!) he got a very big temper.. well, i myself could't handle it, i myself is afraid of being scold by him.. ye ye call me lousy, loser, whatever name you can think of to call me. i don't really care.. i just don't like being scolded by someone i love, i don't know, it's just me, what can i do about it.. i never hit him, i never scold him, i never dare do anything to hurt him(i did it once or twice, it hurt me so much, that i learnt my lesson).
well, i don't expect much from him, or i can say, i never expect much from him. all i do was to think, think about what i really need and want, what i expect much from what i think from him.. but i can never tell him that, like i said, i'm afraid of him being angry, getting scold by him.. i don't like it, i just back away.. stay quiet and walk on my own, thinking what i did wrong, what i didn't do.. example; so there's this one day, i wasn't gonna stay over, but i did, he thought i was going home, he then suddenly turned so quiet, i asked him what happened, is he alright, he reply but in few words reply, i asked again, the same reply, so i think, did i did something wrong this time.. we walk out quietly, he didn't even tell me a thing.. we walk to the bus stop without holding hand. so i smsed him(i know it's lame, LIKE I SAID AGAIN, being afraid that i might annoying him further more) asking why he's like that.. blah blah blah and on, and you know what, he said "you didn't hold my hand" i was like wtf ? you could tell me and stop being such a bitch. opps.
well i don't know how many times have we quarrel anymore, there are really bad one, like shit just gone real kind of quarrel. you know sometimes, i hope he could do a little surprise for me, or do something nice for me.. or try giving in to me sometimes.. i hate being the first one, always the first one to say sorry(i'm not sure how many times must i say this, but me saying sorry for thousands of times doesn't make him any better, and i'm afraid of him being angry, argh) i just want something better for us, something that we could do together with money, and i don't want him to keep treating me meals.. i have my own reason. i'm now working full shift job, and had really no time for him(for this i'm really truely sorry about it) i work 3 days 1 day off.. and sometimes i hope he can make it down to find me.. on my off day. i didn't say that to him.. i did but once, i don't want him to find it annoying.. i don't know, i keep making myself go down.. its okay for me though..
sigh. i didn't expect alot from him, i want the same too.. i just want better, it is too much to ask for, i just want him to give in to me more, it is really too much too? i don't like being asked to "fuck off" this is the second time.. if there's third time or ore, i really don't know how to dwell with it, i was thinking if there's another "fuck off" from him, this will be the last time, i'm trying to make everything right; this is what i thought. every time i think, it just doesn't go the way i want it, i'm just too sore and scared of it, lets put it another way, scared of losing someone, whom i gave so much to, for this relationship and us.. i really don't know how to put it.. if you know what i'm trying to say.. then that's good..
i've been through a lot, all were e-dating, well these give you experience plus some first love and even hurt. i learnt a lot.. and there's the three years relationship i had before, dated for three years without meeting each other(please don't tell me how pathetic it is, i know, i know) i learn to give in, and how to treat one person right to in order to get the same back, if you don't get the same back all you do is tolerate, understand what your other half need and unerstand plus trust.. this is like a work to keep things going, yes, it's tiring but, its worth all the things you do, the person might not see it now, soon they'll realize..
please do know that, iloveyou more than anything, i'm willing to try to change and change for better, i'd never give up one you. this relationship is tough but there's both of us, we manage to get through this tough up and downs together. iloveyou deeply. nothing will ever change my feeling for you from the start when we first know each other until now ♥ 16-02-2012